Ich Luge Bullets 2009: Our year in lists Part #1

I’m as stunned as you are. Ich Luge Bullets, more out of blind luck and the fact that we can’t afford a PS3 to occupy our time than by design, has made it through to its second year. I’d like to say we couldn’t have done it without you, our loyal readers, but to be fair you haven’t really done anything for me. That talentless cunt that draws The Oatmeal probably gets hella Paypal payments winging their way into his Dorito-crumb encrusted pockets, and the most I’ve got from you is… zero? Depends whether that dude we ripped off for pizza has started self-googling yet.

Anyway, one of my favourite ever pieces of ILB writing was our 2008 review in which we counted down the 20 most read ILB posts of the previous year. And why fuck with the classics? We hereby present to you part 1 of the 20 pieces of Passantino script that had you kids on the internet going “lol” and blithely pressing “thumbs up” on Stumbleupon, to no visible effect on our hit rates.

Baby got Rybak: 10 conclusions from this year’s Eurovision

• If we’re being fair to the guy, and if we can leave off the played out eyebrow zings everyone was tossing around like so much confetti last night, Rybak clearly deserved to win. You can piss and moan that he didn’t deserve to win in such a crushing, Taylor versus Manley fashion, but if you cast your mind back to the other 24 songs that got played out yesterday, try and pick another one that came equipped with a marketable personality (Middle Earth Jonas Brother lookin’ boy that he is) and also came equipped with classic Eurovision tropes (some backflips, some “ethnic” “folk” “pop” that actually sounded a bit like the Bluebells if we’re being honest). Plus this level of victory means that Lordi no longer hold the Eurovision points record, so hopefully we can put that sad and tawdry episode of Europe’s musical history to bed.
  Talking about Eurovision tropes, we voted for Azerbaijan last night, because it seemed the most “Eurovisionny” of all the half-decent songs there, a duet between what appeared to be a sales representative for wholesale halal meat and his layabout, spoilt brat daughter. The guy even busted out the running man during the semi-final stages of the tournament, so we gotta pay homage.
  The UK finished, you know, high at some point or other or something with some bullshit “track 13 on the ‘Tracks From And Inspired By’ soundtrack CD from some forgotten 1998 Disney movie” tune. Well done all involved. If Jade goes on to ever get any TV coverage ever again outside of her appearing on The Games in mid 2011 I will lick Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s taint.
  The incongruity of Germany’s performance, featuring as it did possibly the worst song of the night and Dita Von Teese occasionally grinding away in the corner of the camera shot, resonated with me strongly. Therefore, we propose that from now on Ms Von Teese dances alongside all other utter abject no-hopers facing up to a clear degree of failure and humiliation because they’re quite clearly not up to the task, and as such we hope to see her on Match Of The Day shaking her pasties by Alan Shearer’s head as he goes “The lads in the dressing room are all disappointed clearly, but they all know this is the time of the season to stand up and be counted”.
  Graham Norton was annoyingly acceptable as a host. Like most people, I was annoyed that Wogan got gassed from his presenting role before he could enter the full-scale Big Ron moment breakdown that he had been quite clearly building up to for the past 15 years, but what are you gonna do? Norton actually seemed to be pretty clued up on his Eurovision history: whether this was due to an actual fandom of it, or whether he had a Gillette Soccer Saturday-esque team of researchers knocking out facts for him to read out in real time, I dunno. Actually, maybe get Thommo, Merse and Le Tiss to cohost next year’s? Us hetroes need to reclaim this damn show, man…
  Wise words from YouTube
  KRizma93 (6 minutes ago)   0    Reply | Spam
  damn I’mma black american rapper and i also love this song somehow it got da special somethin and it doesnt get out of my ear i listen to that song day n nite 4 real damn he deserved to win respect
  As for your wooden spoon winners, it was wonderful of Finland to turn the whole piece into a “Where are they now?” spectacle for that kid from Bomfunk MCs, but we’re now at least 15 years on from River City Groove, and surely people have worked out that rap has zero place at the Eurovision. Unless some country hires the “black american rapper” from up-post.
  Unsurprisingly, the in-show entertainment didn’t provide anything in the way of joys, but why was there a massed singalong orchestrated backstage to “Not Gonna Get Us” by taTu and not, say, “All The Things She Said”, which was actually their biggest hit? Or even, if we have to karaoke a Russian pop smash from the past decade, get motherfucking “Resurrection” by PPK up in that place. Let’s see the hatchet-faced Celine Dion-alike France sent for some reason croon her way through those Yuri Gagarin vocal samples.
• If we’re being fair to the guy, and if we can leave off the played out eyebrow zings everyone was tossing around like so much confetti last night, Rybak clearly deserved to win. You can piss and moan that he didn’t deserve to win in such a crushing, Taylor versus Manley fashion, but if you cast your mind back to the other 24 songs that got played out yesterday, try and pick another one that came equipped with a marketable personality (Middle Earth Jonas Brother lookin’ boy that he is) and also came equipped with classic Eurovision tropes (some backflips, some “ethnic” “folk” “pop” that actually sounded a bit like the Bluebells if we’re being honest). Plus this level of victory means that Lordi no longer hold the Eurovision points record, so hopefully we can put that sad and tawdry episode of Europe’s musical history to bed.