Behold Hermione, Little Miss Poundbury

(video posted because 99.9% of you won’t understand the title)

22 days ago today. I’d visited my parents’ for lunch, was feeling kinda veal Milanese’d out, and rather than sit it off via watching yet another fuck-awful Palermo performance under Serse Cosmi, I thought I’d dick about on the internet for a bit instead. And while I was online, one of our connex sent us a link to this piece of mediocre Guardian idiocy and I thought, “Meh, nothing better to do, set phasers to ‘zing’”. The piece took us maybe 45 minutes, nothing more.

Lucha Britannia: Reverse Armdrags Fund Terrorism

These are heady fucking times for IchLugeBullets.com. Between the Claudebeef, posting a shit tonne of Royce Da 5’9” MP3s, our self-link heavy year-end round-ups, and an article pointing out that I went to school with one whole individual who went on to make a semi-useful contribution to society in life, we’re currently in the middle of the most successful period of our existence, in terms of hits, comments and high-end content. So let’s ruin all that by taking two days off posting and then coming back with a treatise on ethnic misappropriation, pro-wrestling and post-roller derby culture.

Webcomics: certainly my favourite thing ever

 

If Ich Luge Bullets suddenly changed from its current mission statement as a one-stop shop for mithering invective aimed at the UK music journalism scene, and instead focussed solely on me taking a piss against the wall of webcomics, then we’d achieve a post rate similar to those rap blogs that exist by posting up every single fucking press release they get, so by the end of the day they have 37 Charles Hamilton freestyles, 74 B.O.B. mixtape track zshares, and a live streaming update link from Mickey Factz’s Twitter account (“@BarackObama: well done man!”). However however however… this annoyed me for other reasons.

Keepin’ It Nonpositive, the worst singles of the decade: LiveOnRelease – I’m Afraid of Britney Spears (did not chart, April 2001)

Back in the days when we all drove wood cars and thought that Michael Ricketts was the future of English football, there were two radio DJs: Steve Lamacq and Dave Pearce. Younger readers might like to imagine two less suicide-inducing versions of Gideon Coe and Kissy Sell Out if it helps them picture the pair. Anyway, the latter’s show ran into the former’s show, and that always created a problem: Pearce played dance music (in the fallow era between the commercial peaks of pop trance and funky house), and Lamacq played guitar music, during the lowest commercially performing period for guitar bands since the 1930s. There was a problem: what to play in between the two shows? 

Nemi is a racist

No, I’m not quite sure what “hop-hop” is either. I’m also not quite sure as to why Nemi and friend are sitting in front of an advert for Darkie toothpaste:

In celebration of: angry young man Joe Mofrad

ILB has always been one to shout out exciting new talent, be it toilet circuit-touring indie act, eight-bars-on-a-100-CD-run mixtape rapper, or Wigan Athletic striker Amr Zaki. So let us give some credit to certainly my favourite 20-year-old in the world right now, Joe Mofrad.

Keepin’ It Nonpositive, the worst singles of the decade: Christina Aguilera – “Candyman”, (#17, March 2007)

Like maybe every other music journalist ever, I’m prepared to cut Christina Aguilera a lot more slack than she actually deserves.

Looks just like her

An imaginary alter ego of Avril Lavigne appears in the story as one of the main characters. Hana dreams of meeting Avril and being close friends. Avril responds to this: “I know that many of my fans read comics, and I’m really excited to be involved in creating stories that I know they will enjoy.”

Keepin’ It Nonpositive: The Worst Songs of the Decade So Far. #1: Bedouin Soundclash – “Where The Night Feels My Song”, #24 October 2005.

Despite the fact that none of them have ever mentioned the song in my presence, here’s a brief list of people “Where The Night Hears My Song” reminds me of