In celebration of: Rihanna aficionado Kaven Marenger

Some days, blogging is like cutting open a vein to let the poison out. Some days, this is all I, you, we have: an outlet where our thoughts get manifested as a desperate shout out to the world. Some days, all I can do is type until the words make no sense to me but hopefully to someone else. This is not one of those days. This is a day where we laugh at a Canadian sexcase who’s stalking some that chick from the Bahamas who got boyed up a few years back.

Basically, Kaven Marenger is about to be a meme and I want to get my flag planted firmly in this ground before  “R/IAmA Quebecois pervert” and “I was going to rape Rihanna… but then I took an arrow to the knee” becomes the default currency for the lamestreamers out there.

Who is Kaven Marenger? Kaven Marenger is either one of the most dedicated troll personae to have ever graced the internet, or alternatively he’s a man from Malartic, Quebec, who likes Rihanna and chess. And nothing else.

Kaven Marenger’s first Tweet was on May 11, 2011. Here it is in its entirety:

He then went on to repeat the same Tweet word-for-word a day later:

Overall, Kaven has made 612 Tweets. 478 of these are directed straight at Rihanna, usually as part of an appeal for a conversation. Some examples follow:

Sometimes our boy offers out good quality lifestyle advice:

Sometimes he offers constructive criticism:

And sometimes he’s as smooth as those weird-ass kinda bootleg Turkish delight chocolate bars you get in certain Bangladeshi-owned cornershops:

What really makes this account for me, though, is the 100 or so Tweets that aren’t about Rihanna. Great comedy is about timing, and if we were just watching a clearly deranged man repeatedly pester Rihanna for a conversation non-stop, it’d lose its appeal. But it’s the occasional interruptions that really turn this into pure comedy gold. Like when he decides to ask The Rock how strong Andre the Giant (a man who died four years before the Rock entered professional wrestling) was. Followed up by him discussing Magnus Carlsen’s GOAT credentials with Hikaru Nakamura:

But, at the end of the day, Constant Kaven’s real attraction is his fatal attraction. I’ve not enjoyed a Twitter feed as much as Bobby George’s. Just don’t follow him, it might let him know that we’re on to him.

Do let us know your favourite Kaven Marenger moments in the comments boxes. And when Kaven Marenger is up on fucking Tosh.0 or that column in the Metro that explains web memes for retards, remember where you saw his creepy, rapey face first.