Home > FILLER! FILLER!! FILLER!!! > Hey kids: stay bullyproof

Hey kids: stay bullyproof

You missed some drama today, guys. Or maybe you pay close attention to what 14-year-old girls are doing, idk. Anyway, over the past few days, Tumblr developed its very own “burn book”, the hollowed-out shell of which you can see here. In short: overweight attention whores were calling out other otherweight attention whores for being… eh, you can guess the rest. What made the whole thing of mild lulz, though, was that every email the site maintainer received going “You know, this is kinda lamesauce” was responded to with a 400-word diatribe of “YOU THINK THIS IS BULLYING YOU TRY GOING TO SCHOOL AND HAVING 400 PEOPLE THROW STUFF AT YOU EVERY DAY AND SETTING FIRE TO YOUR HAIR”. Nothing more awkward than when someone drops in unnecessary personal life detail into their day-to-day conversation, which is why I make a rule never to hold conversations with people whose mothers have walked out on them. Anyway: kids – bullying is bad. The BBC have asked some celebrities to tell you so. We here at ILB thought we’d review said advice. It’s like Book of Lists, only ten years later and not funny.

(Danny Dyer Joke) (50 Cent Joke) (Brenda Blethyn Joke) (Cunt with wavy lips joke). Someone should really remind Rio about the “stop snitching” movement as well. Maybe be worth also noting that every single “related video” for this is of “Rio” by Duran Duran, which strikes me as a failure on behalf of Manchester United’s digital marketing team. Get it sorted, Glazer. 3/10

 

One of the things I’ve become fascinated with recently is this kind of discussion on fetish message boards: brainwashing a woman into becoming a slut vs brainwashing her into becoming a bimbo, which is better. I just like how there are clearly guys out there who are going to get enraged if they sit down for a nice piece of misogynistic personality-shift fiction, and find out that the lead charater’s hair doesn’t even turn blonde. Anyway, Pixie Lott is quite clearly simple as pigshit but I still would without question. 6/10

 

It’s quite nice how everyone in society can bring themselves to agree on what on awful person Fearne Cotton clearly is, to the extent that people are actively wishing for Holly Willoughby to go on to have a lengthy career as it should keep FC firmly held down. Remember kids: if you’re being beaten up, just put on some lipstick and bump “Kashmir”. That’ll sort everything out. 0/10

 

Am I supposed to know who these guys are? Music stopped being any good when people stopped using the word “bubbling” in songs. In fairness, turning yourself into a walking joke for the amusement of school bullies is a way to stop getting beaten up, so fair point. 8/10

 

Hey, remember when Cheryl Cole beat the shit out of that black toilet attendant in what was allegedly a racially motivated assault? Because apparently nobody else does. 1/10

 

We used to bully a kid called Mark at school. He was really shy and introverted, so he used to get jostled about a bit, ragged on during classes, etc. Anyway, eventually he snapped and bought a scalpel to school saying he was going to kill all the Pakistani kids. Last time I saw him his face was on a “missing” poster with “do not approach may be confused and disorientated” written underneath it. Ah well. 2/10

 

That Garry Hobbs has got a cheek on him, telling us to “stand up and be counted” when he let Ian Beale just take his fucking kid out of his hands. Remember when Beppe fucked his first wife? Man, those were glory days for the Square. 2/10

 

Special bonus material:

Vinnie Jones – Wooly Bully

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