In celebration of: angry young man Joe Mofrad
ILB has always been one to shout out exciting new talent, be it toilet circuit-touring indie act, eight-bars-on-a-100-CD-run mixtape rapper, or Wigan Athletic striker Amr Zaki. So let us give some credit to certainly my favourite 20-year-old in the world right now, Joe Mofrad.Joe first came to my attention around the arse-end of last week, when I received two reasoned and considered comments on a previous article we’d written about how anyone involved with either Clash Magazine or the funneling of large amounts of taxpayers’ money into Clash Magazine is a fucking idiot.
Let us get all embedded images up in here and see what they said:
You see, this is why I like Joe. He starts off impetuous, angry, more Pesci than Mofrad. Being as he’s a man who’s on the grind for Clash Magazine, he wants to defend his publication’s honour. But then, realising that this makes him come across a little hasty and reflects badly on the publication he writes for, he cleverly posts a second message, still using a little play on words incorporating the term “drown”, and posts as Robin, cleverly using a fake email address and website to come from. He doesn’t care that he used pretty much an identical message, that less than a minute passed between the two comments, or that they come from EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING IP ADDRESS. Joe clearly takes inspiration from Dana Carvey’s classic movie The Master of Disguise, and he knows that nobody can trace those steps. He’s gotten away scot free.
Unfortunately, some of us are elite uber-hackers with access to exciting tools like Google. Indeed, t’were it not for the fact that I have actually touched a breast at some point in my life I could easily be hanging and banging with Anonymous right now. I think it important that we get to know a little about Joe Mofrad, because in my honest opinion this kid is going places.
First off, ladies love cool Joe. The man is from Newcastle and has clearly been taking some lessons from Tyneside’s other silver-tongued charmer Sid the Sexist. Check out the game he’s running on Faceparty:
He gets hella retro points for using Faceparty in the first place, but those lines push him into the top sphere. Weirdly, for such a player who has apparently been using Faceparty for three years and logged in within the past month or so, he sadly only has one friend on the site. “lil_angelgirl” is her name, and let’s have a good look at her:
Interestingly, lil_angelgirl is down as being 16 and doesn’t list her hometown in America. Being as, presumably, Joe added her to his Faceparty out of a desire to tap that ass rather than discuss Ladyhawke, and that sex with a 16-year-old is illegal in 19 states, this means there is a 38% chance that he’s a paedophile.
Let’s have another look at our boy:
I used to have a shirt like that. When I was four in 1986.
Sadly, JoJo’s Bebo account doesn’t reveal too much excitement, although he’s not a fan of “fucking queers”, which considering the way he dre… you’re way ahead of me. He does consider the Mighty Boosh heroes, which considering he’s not a fan of fucking que… again, you’re ahead of me.
But Joey’s a journo. He lives and dies by his written words, or at least the ones that aren’t about “fucking queers”. Here’s our boy on the new Mogawai (ask your grandparents) EP:
Play the title track opener as loud as you can! Its one of those songs you imagine seeing in an epic zombie film, as an aerial camera pans over the streets and you watch an army of newly converted flesh eaters wander the streets eating cats and… stuff. It oozes massive electronic and metal influences that power out through disgustingly heavy riffs!
10/10 here easily, from the “lol random” zombies reference, the improv night open mic “and stuff”, influences being from niche, easily identifiable genres like “metal” and “electronic”, and to end it all an exclamation mark. Fantastic. Although Joe’s highpoint contribution to Clash so far has to be this awesome “music game” posted to their forums. Any Scots who happen to be reading this post will no doubt be struck by the injustice of how little of their paycheck goes to directly funding this, and will probably want to set up a CHAPS payment of 3k a month directly to Clash’s office immediately.
I have no idea where Joe’s hate comes from though. The man used to be on DrownedInSound’s side. Look at “Chopper Shadowpants”‘s contributions here on some article about some guy from Maximo Park (ask your ex-girlfriend). If you love the narcissism of small differences that exists between people from Sunderland and Newcastle, white guys using the phrase “pon”, or comedy “this sounds like band x doing action y to band z” style madlibs, then you’ll go mad for it. Hey, over the course of today, we’ve all gone mad over Joe Mofrad. He’s my friend, and he’s certainly yours. And how better can we end than with a live action video of his flaccid cock running through university halls?
Breaking kayfabe for a second, seriously, fucking kids need to realise that FUTURE EMPLOYERS WILL PUT YOUR FUCKING NAME INTO A SEARCH ENGINE YOU TARDS STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR SAGGY ARSE ONTO THE INTERNET UNDER YOUR OWN NAME.
Still, weirdly enough former Drowned In Sound editor Mike Diver has just joined Clash Magazine in some capacity or other. I do hope Joe will man the fuck up and let the real Mike D know that he considers his entire career arc to day “pathetic”. Joe Mofrad: a true renaissance man.