IchLugeBullets vs Them’s The Vageries: podcast event of the year

Somehow, and I’m not quite sure how either, ILB hasn’t alienated every single person out there during our four-year reign of blogging supremacy.

In celebration of: Rihanna aficionado Kaven Marenger

Some days, blogging is like cutting open a vein to let the poison out. Some days, this is all I, you, we have: an outlet where our thoughts get manifested as a desperate shout out to the world. Some days, all I can do is type until the words make no sense to me but hopefully to someone else. This is not one of those days. This is a day where we laugh at a Canadian sexcase who’s stalking some that chick from the Bahamas who got boyed up a few years back.

Was Gil Scott-Heron the most bigoted, pro-government musician of all-time?

Things I know/care about Gil Scott-Heron:

1. His dad played for Celtic
2. Literally nothing else

So we launched a wrestling blog

Playing Ricky Morton can be found at the link. We did promise you new ILB projects as the year came to its end, and that’s the first of them. Google reader that shit, link it, RT it, whatever the fuck. We promise the least autistic wrestling writing in recent history.

In which I Google telephone recording laws for New York City but find no crime has been committed against me

So yeah, we here at ILB were just working on our latest, sure to shock the nation project that launches this weekend. We were 3/4 of a way down a bottle of Amarone, alternating between Xhamster and TheHotelEnd.co.uk like we do for most of our lives in a never-ending spiral of self-fulfilling self-loathing. When we got a phone call. At 10pm.

Alyx Vesey likes black people a hell of a lot more than you do

I recently came to realize that I hate the Evening Standard. Not in the standard, “oh boy, these provocative journalists are sure saying some provocative stuff in their columns that makes me want to shake my fist in the air like Blakey in annoyance.” No, hate as in “I would like everyone and everything Dan Jones loves to die in his arms before he writes yet another smug, meandering, football-started-in-1992 piece of shit sports hackery.”

Top 10 Deviantart drawings of Franck Ribery

Admittedly, it’s weird. ILB is more popular than it has ever been, even though we’ve done maybe one post in two months. It’s thanks to the last post, the Dirty Bieber Secrets one. I did what I do in my day job and applied it to the world of internet bullshit. Just for giggles, really. And it gets 7,000 hits a day, even now, without me touching a thing. The kind of hits figures John Doran would finally get a haircut and hit a gym for, and I can get it without lifting a finger. God bless those Beliebers man.

But, that’s the thing, I’ve kinda abandoned you. I know, I know. Look, I still write. I still write fucking shitloads, it’s just that you people will never see it. My pen is, nowadays, trained on SEO’d summaries of Turkish golf courses and the like, so unless you fancy hitting the driving ranges of Izmir then I’m dead to you. But I feel guilty. People love Passantino, or “PLP” as the acronym goes. They want me back. They want me going “hey, I like this boom bap track from a New York mixtape rapper” or “I don’t like this woman writing in The Guardian, not because I’m a misogynist but for other, more complicated, reasons”. And, like, I gotta heed the streets. They want a return. So I’ll give to them like X. I’ll write the blog post you want. The blog post the internet wants. The blog post I was born to do. ILB proudly presents: top 10 Deviantart drawings of Franck Ribery.

The best of Dirty Bieber Secrets

You gotta hand it to 15-year-old girls: they’ve got the Tumblr game on fucking lock. While American music writers use the platform to copy and paste pictures of A RAPPER standing next to AN INDIE MUSICIAN or sharing their fascinating opinions on patriarchal hegemony in the music of Brooks and Dunn, 15-year-old girls are out there dropping original content for days, sourcing the best memes and networking like motherfuckers.

Yung Humma ft Whatchyamacallit – Happy Sexgiving

ILB’s Official Turquoise Jeep Power Rankings

Danny Graft – Arsenal Anthem (Keep the Faith)

Do you know what I assume being an Arsenal fan must be like? There’s a vaguely famous shock video online called something like “When Cock and Ball Torture Goes Wrong.” It’s filmed from an awkward angle so it’s hard to make out exactly what’s happening, but what appears to be going down is: a man is naked beneath some floorboards which have a specially cut hole for his dick to poke through.